Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Winter's peacefullness.....

The lights of christmas have gone.....
The world is quiet.. still... white.... frozen..... Finally the almost dead-like peace of winter has descended on us....

I am feeling frozen.... stiff..... numb...... incapacitated......
I sit around a lot. There's not much I can do..... Even if I wanted to. One can only read and plan so much... No physical work to be done, except carrying wood every few days. Nothing other than the same, tedious, unchallenging household chores.No challenges, no excitement.... drab...grey...white.... Even walking Rex has lost much of its charm right now. Having a dog, not able to control his own energy and ice covered surfaces... That does not match well. As I have found out the hard way.
He unleashed that energy again after being quite sick for a day. He snatched some raw potatoes and that did not go too well for him. Raw potatoes contain a toxic, especially the peel...
I try to keep mentally active, but that is proving to become harder and harder. Interests wane,
Tried to go back to school, getting an education, a Swedish diploma, increase my knowledge of the language.... To no avail either. There's no budget for that and the puppetshow they call government here is to blame for that. While they bitch and bicker, fighting over scraps in order to achieve their own goals, they fail to govern
Talked to the person working in the adult-education programme. Told her that I more often than not get the feeling that I do not get a job here, is because I am a foreigner. She did not react surprised or even defensive. She looked at me, calmly and said that that might very well be the case..... That did not help my failing optimistic perspective of a future career.

Our situation has been forcing us to go back to what I have come to call "survivalfood", meaning cheap food... meaning a lot of carbs.... wheat, bread, rice, pasta.... But we do try to stay away from processed when ever we can!
And the effects were immediate! The pain in our joints is back. the headaches and colds are much more frequent, zits with our (pre)teen kids, digestive issues with all of us and we need to shower more often. Use deodorant more frequently. Because our body odour is much stronger. That crap has to get out of your system one way or the other.
It also forces me to starve myself of another, life bringing food; social activity in the flesh.... So I roam this digital world, seeking out others for a little bit of interaction, yet loathing it (not them), for I know it is but a hollow version of the real thing

Not that the weather is helping much either. It still is going crazy. The cycles continue...
It isn't really winter, yet spring is still far away. No real frost, no real thaw.... The surfaces that have not been cleared are covered in a thick layer of lumpy, rocky, snowy ice and the surfaces that have been, are lumpy, uneven sheets of ice. Ankle deep slush one day, frozen solid the next.... Only the frequently used roads are more or less traversable, the lanes being freed of ice by the grinding wheels with studs and wind...

The world has come to a stand still....
No progress, no thoughts, no energy, no life....
A stalemate.... which eventually will be broken, must be broken.... one way or the other...

...or is it all just an unglamorous, plain old winter depression?
Then we are all equally affected, as a family.... We are even one in this, then....

They are my roots, I am the stem, but for this tree to grow, flourish and blossom nourishment is needed. A mission, a goal and the means to achieve that.
All we can do, is wait... Keeping an open eye for an opportunity, seizing it, when it occurs. And until then remain, survive... Waiting for life bringing spring or the opportunity.... which ever comes first..

And yet....
Despite of it all....

We have seen a peace in here too. In our house, in our minds and in our hearts. Despite the predicaments we are in, we are all feeling less edgy, less frustrated, less angry. Especially during the week after christmas there was an almost eerie peace around us. It was very noticeable to all. And still is. Less squabbling. Less bitching and bickering..... What happened? What changed?
I do not know. All I know is that I blow my top less often and less fierce. I see things in a brighter light, laugh more and somehow know it'll all work out. I just hope I can hold on to that.
Don't want to turn out like some middleage, vinegarpissing grouch. Don't want to become a "Walter" as we call the type. Looking back through my own blog I see myself smile more, less of a sourpuss...
The kids, and especially the girls, bicker less and if they do it is less vicious. And I know there is something else here as well. Regularly I see things moving in the corner of my eye, on the edge of my field of vision. A sort of fluttering movement, wavelike....
I sense something and probably my kids too. My wife certainly does.... Something is going on... Change is underway... Is it on a personal level? Is it local? Or is it something bigger, the position of the moon, an alignment of planets, or yet bigger still....??? I don't know. But there are others out there sensing it too.

I also noticed that, as soon as the weather chances once more and a warm air sweeps through our valley, the birds immediately stir. They call, they sing.....

5 comments:

  1. Das wel een indringend stuk dat je hebt geschreven.
    De stilstand die je ervaart, hoort dat niet ook bij dit seizoen? Ik hoop het.... hier evenzogoed weinig progressie. Ja, kinderen die het prima doen hier ;) en wij ook, maar op deze manier is het toch een verhaal met een einde hier. Zucht.
    Qua eten, kan je niks met havermout en (seizoens)groentensoep? Niet duurder maar wel beter dan brood, denk ik?

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  2. Hey Ron, sounds like you guys need sun. Get some sun, some vitamin D3, some good fish, walnuts and healthy oils to beat any winter depression. . You are welcome here, we have tons of work to do, install all the floors, paint paint paint, install some doors, no time to sit around :) I guess think about it this way: enjoy the quiet while it lasts. If nothing else, you can watch some good movies.
    I can hear you about the foreigner thing. . Many of my countrymen Lithuanians are second class citizen in Sweden.
    You know, I am thinking back to my parents young days and my grandparents days living on farms in small villages. And they had close knitted communities, good social life. For one, they always lived in extended families, so there were always parents, grandparents, kids, maybe even great grandparents, ants in the same house, house divided into few sections. It was a nice passing of skills and ideas from generation to generation, which is really missing now. . Then in the village they had dances and social activities. And the thing I liked most about soviet times, back in my childhood, and a russian-way of life you could say, was a lot of interaction. You NEVER sat home just alone or just with your own small family. Friends used to good friends that would be for life. My parents still have that in Lithuania. They have friends they would literally die for, they had known each other for 45-50 years, raised kids together, burried parents together. And we would just hang out pretty much every day. . Our friend/neighbor would come over every other night for tea. Men would just sit and babble politics, women would discuss whatever, we kids sneaking in listening. There was always lively discussion, and it seemed that life pretty much always revolved around that universe of friends, neighbors. And you could discuss anything, no political correctness bull shit. I just miss those days. I thought it was the american individualism that really sucks here, but it sounds like it is pretty much same everywhere now, unless you move some place in Syria or Iran where they still sit and talk and play chess together. . So yes. . Internet is I guess better than nothing, better than feeling totally alone, but still.. Even kids are being conditioned to this aloneness since small age, no other kids their age are running outside and it breaks my heart.
    So anyway, sorry for rambling. Hope you get some decent freeze still and some cool fresh air, and then the spring will be here. How many kids do you have?
    Take care, smile. Hugs.

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    Replies
    1. Hej Bee, it is not just Vitamin D-shortage, although that sure does weigh in.
      Enjoying the quiet? Been doing that for the better part of 3 years and it really sucks! Makes one feel so... useless. A burden to oneself and thus to others. Negative spiral commences...

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  3. Ron,
    I enjoyed reading your post. I think that the human need for social interaction is a huge force. Internet communities are useful in getting us through the day but, ultimately, there is no substitute for face to face. Because we don't just communicate in words (spoken or written). We speak with our smiles, our body language, eye contact, use of space, touch, tone of voice. It is incredibly complex and subtle. And, I think, that we need it. Like we need water. Like we need air. We need the electric charge it gives. Human interaction is exciting - like walking a tightrope, like canoeing rapids. To be successful at it demands concentration. Demands that we are totally in the moment. Demands that we give our full attention. And that is a great gift - to give your full attention to another human being. It demonstrates a high level of trust. Demonstrates that you hold a high opinion of that other person. Which is why it feels so good to communicate well face to face with another human being. And why it is so annoying when technology gets in the way, prevents complete attention.
    But, there is always a tension. Most of us no longer live in the close knit communities Bee describes. Nowadays, many of us are mobile, can choose where to live. Which means that we no longer have to get along with our neighbours. We can always leave. Seek out a different community. One where we will fit in better. Where people will understand us, share our values. But, I think that this is an illusion. There is no ideal community. There is just where we are, who we are with. In my opinion it is better to give your full attention to whoever you find in your community at any time, even if you disagree on certain points. Giving your full attention regardless is better for them and better for you. It's a matter of mutual respect. In doing so, you can supply each other with the charge of interaction that you need. Then you can use the wider net of the internet to find people who see things from your point of view.
    Maybe that is what has happened with your family over Christmas. It happened with mine. We simply spent a lot of time in each others company. We didn't go out much so we became our own community. We had to find a way to get along. Slowly I think we learned to give each other more attention. Put down the phone, turn off the TV. Listen. It's not like we are perfect but I think that most of our family arguments start from not giving each other full attention. Over the holiday, we began to do so. And life was more peaceful as a result. So, maybe that is the benefit of the winter boredom and inaction.
    And, on the wider front, yes, something is happening. We feel it too. The old order is beginning to crumble under its own weight. Change is coming.
    Take care.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for replying, Andy.
      Whatever did bring about the change, it was quite sudden. What you and bee have been describing, is something I surely miss here and I wrote about that in earlier posts. There is very little sense of community. At least not on a n intimate level. Many are friendly yes. And helpful too, but than they go home, shut the door behind them and you might not see or hear them for weeks on end. And that bothers me as to me that really feels like a total absence of a bond, a commitment to each other, a community.

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