One is that I can not seem to find, but more specifically keep a job. I end up being jobless, because of the same reason; my incapability to be absolutely obedient.
My joys of finally having found a job here were shortlived. Within 2 weeks my employer and owner of the bar/café talked to me, saying he was unsatisfied with my performance and that he had his doubts about my future there. I was flabergasted.... We had a discussion, where he claimed that I needed to step up my performance by at least 5-6 steps, totally neglecting the facts that I just worked there for a total of 36hrs, in a job that was totally new to me, not just in tasks, but in mentallity and regulations as well. I on the other hand knew I had done well. No matter what I said, he disagreed and he was very obviously irritated by the fact that I disagreed with him! Long story short, in the end the truth came out. He wanted me to be totally obedient to him and to the other person who worked there! Behind my back, she had complained on several occassions, telling him I did not blindly do as she wanted me to. He told me plain and simple that if she wanted me to jump, I just had to jump. There was no room or time for discussion and new ideas were not appreciated there!
I had the same issue with my last employer back in Holland and before that the large furnishsellingcompany I worked for, was not to happy about me, or my colleagues, speaking up, when they wanted to dramatically change our way of working, seriously effecting everyone's life both on the job as well as privately.
But it actually goes back my entire life.... Parents, teachers..... each and everyone trying to command me into doing their bidding found me argueing with them. It is not that I do not comply at all. I just have a problem with doing what they tell me, simply because they tell me no matter what. Give me a good reason, possibly a dialog and a decent, respectfull tone of voice and there is no problem.
Also everytime for the past few years, my family and I seem to hit a financial black hole in december, not because we spend copious amounts of cash, but simply because we run out of sources or we get hit by large bills, due to someone else's fuckups... and we somehow allways end up with a christmas blessed with each others company, very little presents under the tree, yet with heartwarming gifts or gestures from our friends. Just plain, simple and unspoiled.
This all got me thinking; are these happenings related to the lessons in life I am, or we are, supposed to learn?
Should I learn to shut up, do as told and be an obedient minion in order to fit into current society's hierarchy, submitting to the slavery of money? Or is it that I should stop trying to be as everyone else, slaving away for a paycheck every month, doing my master's bidding? Am I to break away from it all, be rebellious and find my own way, to make it my own way? The first would be the real easy way, but I am simply uncapable of doing so. The latter is the hard way, which, I have to admit it, wears me down quite a bit.
Looking at the circumstances makes me realise that I have always questioned authority, especially if they demand obedience. It is a different matter in following orders or rules in order to achieve a certain goal or getting a job done, that needs to be done.
My entire life has been about not falling in, doing what everyone else thinks is right and always ask questions, especially the WHY. Give me a sound reason and I'll comply. Tell me, because you said so, and you have a problem at hand. (Writing this suddenly makes me realise why my daughter and I always argue..... She's even worse then me!)
Is there a reason why my love for the outdoors, the woods, nature has become so strong in recent years? Why have I all of a sudden lost all interest in my old ways a few years back? Is there a reason why I am so interested in learning the old ways, the ways of living without modern conveniences. Is there a reason why I want to be independent and selfsufficient? Is there a reason why I so despise man's modern ways of living, consuming and wasting? Is it what some call predestination, karma or fait? Meant to be?
I know I suffered from a total burnout some 5 years ago. I felt as if I had died within and I literally felt reborn afterwards. That event triggered a search, a queste to see... to learn...
Is that all connected to the things I quite recently have started to see happening in society and have started to understand the connections (or think I do). The lies of the major industries in food, pharmaceuticals, finance are blatantly obvious to me, but many do not (seem or wish to) see them. The lies of governments, corporations and banks are equally visible to me... and could be to others too, if they wanted to. It is all readily accessible thanks to the internet. And I always seem to be drawn into discussions about this. I just can not shut up and wake away. It would be so much easier if I did, but something is driving me....
Deep down inside I feel that we are approaching an era of change, an age of transcendence, a coming to pass of our current ways and a renewed awakening of the old ways, with respect, love and understanding of everything around us; man, animal, plant, water, earth and air alike.
Maybe I am meant to be a tool in this struggle, this awakening or maybe I am just going nucking futs....
Yet I do know that I am not alone in this. I do know there are many more out there, feeling and thinking in similar ways and all of us do so independently from one another. There are many more waking up every day....
So something IS going on....
But there are allways the woods, the outdoors and nature to sooth a worried and overactive mind. I do not know how and why, but even the shortest walks seem to ease the thinking, to drain the worry from the mind and to restrengthen the heart and soul. It doesn't take away the problems, but somehow does take away some of the sharp edges.
It is allways comforting to lay your head to rest on Mother Nature's bosom.